Absense Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

Or at least I hope so! LOL!

It's been a long time since I've blogged. And most of my blogging has been negative. I have lots of fun things to blog, but sitting here is kinda painful and I'm not a fast blogger!

My life has been kind of consumed with my health - or lack there of. I'm pretty much in pain and have no energy. I think that is because of the pain. hahaha!

I pretty much exhausted all attempts at avoiding going to a dr. But I do feel like I made some right choices and that the Lord directed those choices.

I made an appointment to see an orthopedic Dr - instead of a Spine specialist, which was originally what my brother wanted me to do. I saw him last Friday. He ordered an MRI and xrays of my leg. He suggested I have one done on my spine, but I declined because of money and I have always felt like the problem was my leg.

The MRI was one of the worst experiences of my life. Ughhhh. It was painful and stressful. Hopefully, I will never have to do that again. *shudder*

My followup appointment was today - Wednesday. Dr. Porter came in the room and said "Well, we have a diagnosis!"

After spending several days trying not to think the worse - cancer, surgery and other thoughts - I was relieved that he didn't come in the room and say, uhhhh, I don't know what it could be!

Anyway, it is a ganglion cyst. Don't google it, it's kinda gross and it doesn't really cover "my" situation. Apparently, MY cyst decided to get up close and personal with my nerve and that is why I'm in so much pain, my leg is numb and I've lost strength in my foot and use of my big toe.

Let's talk about losing the use of your big toe for a minute - sounds kinda like big deal right? But I've learned that when Heavenly Father gave us certain body parts, He gave them for a reason. And besides it's mine and I want it to work. Could I LIVE without my big toe - yes. But hopefully, I won't have to.

So - surgery is in order. YUCK!

I could get all panicky about that, and I'm sure I will, but right now I'm worried about how we are going to pay for said surgery. I've been ordered my those who love me :) , to schedule it, so I am. And like I have been saying for WAY TOO LONG - "It will work out."

Now, I think I will panic about the surgery! ARGHHHHHHH! Scary and I really am dreading it. I know it could be worse, but isn't any surgery just yucky. (yes, thank you very much!)

So give me a few more weeks - and then I will play catch up! We had a fabulous 4th and my daughters went to girls camp. Hope had a birthday and despite everything - life does seem to just keep going along!

Hope your summer is eventful in a much more healthy way!

Trying to Find Balance

How does a wife of one and mother of four (at home) "take it easy" for an indefinite amount of time?

I wish there was some way to put LIFE on hold and just rest and let my body heal. It's hard though because I get really tired of laying around. And quite frankly there are things to be done!

My family has been terrific. But they are kind of tired of waiting on me! They're kids after all!

I feel discouraged. I question that anything is really helping. I only know when I do too much I feel it. I paid for it dearly last week.

Today, I rebelled and didn't do anything I was supposed to. (shh don't tell) I'm paying for it. It's not hurting like last week - I know the warning signs now!

The sad thing is, I didn't really get anything amazing done! But I spent a lot of time sitting in front of the computer trying to figure out if we can qualify for insurance. Not the kind I'd like to buy, but the state kind. Looks like we make too much money. LOL! Kind of funny.

Tomorrow I try plan C.

Hillary helped me make lists of things I need to do this week. Vaughan helped me bottle the tomatoes and my girls helped me make dinner, hang some laundry and get the house picked up.

Such a sweet family.

Guess, I'll be good and get the ice pack and the nerve stimulator thingy and hook myself up!

Tomorrows another day right?

God's Love

I'm looking for ways that my Heavenly Father shows He loves me. They are all around me, but sometimes I forget to notice.

Today: a sweet daughter that keeps asking, "Is there anything else I can do for you Mom?"

Yep - she's pretty special.

“God loves you simply because he has chosen to do so. He loves you when you don’t feel lovely. He loves you when no one else loves you. Others may abandon you, divorce you, and ignore you, but God will love you. Always. No mater what.”

How is God showing you love today?

P A I N

(You may want to quit reading now! This is mostly for me to have a record of events for my medical history!)

The newest event in my life is pain.

Not too fun. But hopefully it will be short lived.

Three weeks ago we helped Hillary and James move from their condo to an apartment. I had been having shin splints off and on but that night they were hurting worse than ever. Especially in my left leg. Hillary was a sweet nurse, wrapping them in ice packs.

The next week they were painful, but not as bad. I was more careful to wear my MBT's (special shoes) and kept icing. But the following week when I was shopping I noticed my toes started feeling numb and tingly. Weird.

That was a busy week. I threw a bridal shower for a sweet friend (Jillene Overall) and was busy busy busy. On my feet alot - but I just pushed through the pain and basically ignored it.

The blessing - or so I thought - was that I had a myropractor appointment on Friday after the shower. Now the numbness was more intense. And the pain was getting worse. He told me I had a pinched nerve and adjusted everything. He said that the numbness should go away in a day and a half.

NOPE, it didn't. In fact, it started getting worse. More pain, more numbness. Now my big toe and the outside of my left leg and ankle were totally numb.

By Monday night I was hurting so bad and scared. I also started noticing I was walking funny, so I called my brother Marc, who is a physical therapist. He asked me a bunch of questions, was very concerned and told me to come into his office on Tues morning.

I decided to have Vaughan give me a Priesthood blessing that night and James helped him. That gave me some peace.

Tuesday - after seeing Marc I knew things were not good at all. He explained a nerve was being compromised and tested my strength in that leg and foot. I learned that I had lost the ability to lift my big toe up. My funny walking has a name - slap walking and he told me that eventually I could start dragging my toe. (It's actually happened a couple of times now.) He wanted me to go to an orthopedic doctor and likely get an MRI.

All I heard was "spend lots of money that you don't have". We don't currently have health insurance. Marc did physical therapy on me and gave me some exercises to do at home. He also gave me the name of a dr. to see and I had Hillary call and get quotes. OUCH.

When I got home I called the myropractor again and he got me in that afternoon. I explained what was going on and that things were worse. He worked quite awhile on me.

The next day nothing was any better and I think I started realizing that this was not going to be a quick fix. I felt discouraged. But I did my exercises and used the heating pad faithfully!

On Thursday I went back for pt and it felt really good, but is exhausting. I asked Marc if he wanted me to make a dr. appointment or not. I had already decided that was what I would do, as we would just have to work it out financially. He said, lets wait two weeks. He wants me to come in for pt twice a week the next two weeks.

That actually gave me some hope. But it's hard to keep it up. I test my toe off and on all day long. I still can't lift it. It is surreal to feel like you are lifting your toe and it just sits there. My walking feels like it is worse.

It takes So much energy to do anything. I am laying around most of the day and quite frankly it stinks. I have so much I need to do, but just NO energy and strength.

It is painful to sit at the computer very long, but I ignore the pain. I am grateful my girls are home so that they can be my legs. I am so slow.

I am going to have another blessing tomorrow. This is kind of scary. I'm sure everything will workout in the end. Maybe I have something to learn. I know I have learned empathy and compassion for the disabled. This is just a little thing compared to what many experience.

If you have read this far. Sorry. But please keep me in your prayers. I know prayers are heard and answered everyday. SMILING!

What Represents ME?

For a RS meeting tonight we are having a "getting to know you" night. Over 50% of us are new to the ward. We are supposed to bring "one item from home that represents you".

For some reason I let this stress me out. Not the - "I can't pay my mortgage payment" kind of stress, but just the trying to figure out ONE things that represents me - in a good way - kind of stress. haha haha!

So - I took a very unscientific poll of what "represents me". It was interesting. And funny.

Everything that was mentioned and everything I thought of, would bring to my mind faces of many people who do it better. For some reason I think what represents me needs to be unique and professional in quality!

I'm just me. Average me. And I'm really ok with that!

Do you want to know what I decided on?










While I haven't really used this book very much - it was the ONE thing I could think of that represented a wide variety of things that I have been working on and interested in the past 3 years and really all my life.

PREPAREDNESS

Kind of boring as a word. But so many layers when taken apart. Just like Me. *grin*

Note: So I was late and didn't end up sharing what I brought! It was fine, 'cause it was a fun but long evening! Ha Ha Ha So much for ALL that stress! *giggle*

Things that make me SmiLe

My last post was such a downer that I thought I'd better let you know that I do find reasons to smile! Here are my top teN: (in NO particular order!)

1. My Husband. Couldn't do life without him. He makes me smile everyday. (Even if I roll my eyes a little with my smile!)

2. My Darling Daughters. Seriously - one of them is usually making me laugh - which comes AFTER the smile!

3. My Home. I LoVe my home. No really- I do. It is my sanctuary. It may be small by some standards. Plain to some. Not in the best 'o neighborhoods, but it is where I find peace. I consider it a privilege and an honor to have a home and to be able (so far) to be a stay-at-home-most-of-the-time kind of Mom.

4. My Sisters. I have the best. One is blood related and the others are connected by marriage. Some of them I am closer to than others. They are my friends, psychologists, counselors, listening ears. They cry with me, worry with me, sometimes solve my problems - but mostly are always there for me. I (heart) them more than anything!

5. Crafting makes me smile ALOT! Currently, I have been updating our home. I seriously need to craft/create. It soothes me somehow.

6. Reading. I've been reading ALOT! No - It doesn't matter what. I read at night to fall asleep. They are mostly silly romance books. CLEAN of course. I've been buying them at thrift stores. 75 cents, 45 cents or 25 cents.

7. Movies. Clean - uplifting kind of movies. My movie of choice right now is "Lark Rise to Candleford. Seriously SO GOOD. They make me feel good inside when I watch them. They make me appreciate my many blessings. LOVE them!

8. Our garDEn! I really love planting, tending and watching everything grow. Of course, the picking and eating are pretty good too! Right now I am watching our tomatoes go crazy! I picked 4 cucumbers today! And I harvested all our carrots earlier in the week. YUMS! What a blessing it all is.

9. See's Chocolate. A mother's day gift from Vaughan. I know they won't make me smile much longer 'cause I've almost finished them. But seriously, they are delish. I savor each one. And I confess. I don't share.

10. Prayer. Lots of prayer. I've prayed more this month that I have in a long time. I've been working on a goal of saying my morning prayers. I wouldn't say I've accomplished it yet - it's not quite a habit. But I love talking with my Heavenly Father in the morning. It has helped me so much. I'm so grateful for prayer and my connection to heaven.

Blahs.

I should blog.
There is lots going on.
But I seriously don't feel like it.
I have been so negative lately.

I feel so negative, like nothing in my life is going my way.
(Wow, that sounded kinda like a spoiled teenager huh?)

I am blessed beyond measure. I acknowledge that every day in my prayers and hopefully in my actions. BUT - inside, in my heart everything feel heavy, sad and just darn right yucky.

I'm sick of trials, change and things being un-normal. (not sure if that is a word)

I'm tired of feeling like things are out of control.
Like the world is off it's axis.
Like I'm riding in a car with one of the tires flat.
ca-dunk ca-dunk ca-dunk.

So there.
Now I've blogged.
Sad.

I don't like this me.
Grrrrrr.

(Putting my happy face back on for the world to see now.)